Alien Newsletter #20: The Ukraine Invasion To-Be
In which our alien stares into the abyss of a potential cataclysm, along with the rest of humanity, and considers the consequences of a long game of chicken
Network Note: Since the beginning of our alien’s transmissions to its home base, the planet it has been observing has edged further and further towards the “interesting times” curse often attributed, if erroneously, to the Chinese. Perhaps no better indicator exists than the current situation erupting within the Ukraine, which as of the time of this writing remains positioned on the precipice of a major Russian invasion. Even considering so many other major concerns and challenges threatening the humans, this appears to have taken center stage, and it certainly appears that the alien has also been focused (somewhat) intently on the activity surrounding the former Soviet republic. However, it appears, as always, that it happens to be focused on far different elements of the conflict than any mere humans might ever focus upon in the event of a military confrontation.
There are often moments during the work I do for my home species when I see the story I wish to report on, only to have it overtaken by the story I must report upon. For instance, I managed to find a race of former multicellular colonizers that once populated the whole of the Omega Nebula. Of course, they disappeared millennia ago, and to where, no one really knew. Turns out they had come here to Earth to live simpler, more fulfilling lives as slime molds. I managed to communicate with them for hours about their enjoyment in beguiling Greatest Ape scientists with their expert labyrinth-pathfinding and the benefits of living in a hygiene-free culture. However, even they insisted that I must turn my attention to the disputed terrain known as the Ukraine. “Should things go particularly rotten within this landmass,” it told us, “there will be far more rotting, decaying mounds of organic matter to contend with, and we’ve had enough competition already from the pandemic.” So apparently, even slime molds, not to mention their closely-related equivalents within the Greatest Apes tribe, have their own vested interests currently playing out in the conflict
Mind you, I, like many GAs, are currently playing “catch-up” with quickly developing events in the region. However, like many GAs, I simply can’t allow a lack of expertise, qualification or accurate information deter me in any way from issuing a report. I was aided considerably in doing so through this cogent summary.
As I am beginning to learn, the larger and more powerful the information source happens to be, the less likely the Greatest Apes are to trust it. The creator of this particular communique seems to concur.
From what I gather, it appears that “Big Ban P” of Central Eastern Kleptocratic Plate 1, now dealing with far less convivial leadership amongst the traditional adversaries of Northern Hemisphere Plate 2 than he enjoyed previously, decided he rather fancied the Ukraine and decided to seize this landmass (something Big Ban P has agitated to do since at least 2014). The Ukraine, in response, has apparently been teaching their citizenry advanced martial arts in preparation. Others in the country are far less worried because Big Ban P will choose not to, if I get this correctly, make a fine 2022 vintage wine series over this (My interpretation of her phrase “busting grapes.”), and if they do, then those in NHP2 will come in with a finer wine and win the competition. The interlocutor recommends that the Ukranians appeal to different facets of the populace for support, given the failures NHP2 incurred in the Greater Civilizational Fault Region 2. With “Big Daddy Biden” however in charge of NHP2’s response, the ultimatum for Big Ban P, wines or not, will send these in CEKP1 a great degree of air pollution, along with a massive drug store-sized receipt for services rendered. Big Ban P seems to believe that because of the poverty and inflation the US struggles with that he can pay for whatever BDB will charge him, and as a result “it’s out of our hands.”
I myself struggle to understand specific portions of this report myself, because I see precious few wine bottles, but quite a bit of soldiers - 190,000 by some counts — and gunboats positioned all across the territory. It seems to bring back unpleasant memories for many in the region who were used to a long period of calm before this threatened invasion. And it must be noted that within the last century, this larger conflict between the CEKP1 and NHP2 stood as the lone existential threat the Greatest Apes collectively faced. For the GAs, or even my slime mold friends, any time a situation like this develops, because of the awesome destructive forces amassed by both sides, the GAs gloomily contemplate their own potential extinction arising from it, and hope that their leaders choose life instead.
I must say that observing moments like these, I do give thanks that I am a [untranslatable shriek]. For as you may recall, we gave up on such nerve-rattling games millennia ago. Out of all of the other civilizations we have examined, on this planet and others, there has not been one of them that have survived without sedating their fondness for these sorts of high-stakes endeavors. Not one. Yet there are several different means of self-destruction at the hands of the Greatest Apes in this century. This is merely the latest.
I am also thankful that should things go very wrong with this, that you have promised to remove me from this planet before the worst should occur. The lone NHP2 residents of the Ukraine still within its borders do not have such a guarantee, apparently. Leaders in Russian-controlled portions of this territory have similarly urged their citizenry to evacuate into greater Russia, suggesting the invasion is imminent. Given this, I must acknowledge that considering how erratic the GAs happen to be, this removal may need to occur at a moment’s notice. And if we can help repatriate the slime molds back in their former nebula while we were at it, I’m sure it will redound to our benefit one day. Messy as it will be, it couldn’t be any messier than the sorts of predicaments the GAs continually find themselves in, more often than not.
The Greatest Apes make slight progress with their power issues by warming up 60 teakettles.
Botnode 8 entreaties the GAs for continued faith in his colonization schemes.
As the invasion encroaches, some have chosen to make love and not war.