Alien Newsletter #19: Nothin' but a 5G Thing
In which our alien makes contact with the many different frequencies and airwaves that, seen or unseen, facilitate contact amongst the earth's most loquacious denizens
Network Note: From what we can gather through our admittedly flawed receivers, the troubled rollout of 5G has invited the scrutiny of yet another interested, if extremely far-removed, party. The major airports may have forged their shaky truce with the major telco providers, but apparently, there are far more stakeholders involved with the modified airwaves than Boeing and the FAA, particularly if they’re operating UAFs off the Pacific Coast. However our alien chooses to register its findings with the appropriate authorities, it is bound to be far less direct, or decipherable, than what we were able to discover from its latest transmission to its home species. Could that because of airwave interference? We’ll let you be the judge of that.
As you’ve probably surmised by now, the Greatest Apes that we’ve been observing for some time seem quite haunted by what one of their late oratory masters referred to as the “unknown unknowns.” Is there something in their water, or their airwaves, that cannot be spotted by any of their several senses, and will it be their undoing? It saturates all of their fears, makes them suspect the air they exhale upon each other, and sets them to scrutinize the hidden bits of radiation that penetrate their bodies. Over the last few years, the gradual worldwide implementation of their 5G telecommunications technology has visited upon them further stressors, most notably the recent dust-up reported amongst the airbus operators and the telecommunications giants. Apparently it is not enough that various violent outbursts from angry passengers on these trips has led to improvised duct tape applications to restore order (further demonstrating the truly universal usefulness of this wondrous adhesive. You may remember how we were able to prevent one of our many suns from exploding by covering it with this magnificent substance, but I digress.) over the course of the past year. But apparently, the emittance of a specific band of signals, named the C-band after all the presumably calamitous things it is responsible for, could interfere with a device on these airbuses called an altimeter, which determines how far off the ground a plane happens to be. Such signals can, it has been argued, interfere with communications towers near the airbus depots, especially in inclement weather, and lead to disaster.
After a brief period of chaos, it appears the fracas has died down for all but two entities: the regional airbus operators that have fewer resources to upgrade their systems and our fellow extraterrestrial observers, the trscmdmsrx. In addition to refusing to use consonants anywhere in their language, the trscmdmsrx also apparently are quite sensitive to 5G transmissions. Matter of fact, 5G has become the latest moral panic, as it has been brought back to their people and has turned their younger population into attitudinal, rebellious scofflaws. There are 5G clubs throughout their home planet and colonies and trscmdmsrx mothers and fathers are continually complaining to their newer members to “reduce that frequency considerably.” Culturally, it has become quite a problem for them, and it is doubtful that we’ll be able to partner with them on joint research projects until they get this under control.
Of course, the trscmdmsrx are not the only people who are leery of 5G. There are several sects within the Greatest Apes that have hurled accusations upon this “new” technology since it was first proposed several decades ago. Much of it has suggested a connection between 5G and the pandemic, and attacks on 5G cellular transmitters were common in the pandemic’s early days. Other health concerns have been brought up, suggesting rising levels of ADHD and brain cancer, all things outside of the current pandemic that bedevil the Greatest Apes. Of course, there are issues that are held in far less contempt by those who know the technology best, such as security issues. One of the reasons for 5G’s creation is to connect a vast array of “smart” devices, from living facilities to stuffed animals, to the larger web of digital connectivity, and unforeseen flaws in 5G’s infrastructure could turn all of these supposedly smart devices into weapons hellbent on the destruction of the GAs, whether for the “lulz” or for far more sinister purposes.
The Greatest Apes seem quite committed to it anyway. The future society they envision for themselves involves endless amounts of cat photos and nipple pictures shared at even greater speeds than before, and 5G, the telecommunications giants insist, must exist in order for this to happen. It is quite clear that it can also be used in statecraft as a very potent weapon of its own. Apparently, the leaders of Northern Hemisphere Plate I have considered withholding the technology against the leader of Greater Eastern Kleptocratic Plate II, who is currently considering a hostile takeover of a state within its former jurisdiction. Considering far more destructive weapons at the GAs’ disposal that always seem to hover at the periphery of events like this, it would appear to be far less costly an aggressive posture to take.
However, they have not seemed to consider yet another complicating factor in 5G, and that are the Galactic Frequencies that attempt to be emitted by the inventors of the Galactic Calendar. Built upon a “13 Moon” pattern of 20 glyphs, this calendar purports to assign each day upon it with a combinatorial tone and glyph which would synchronize its users with the dominant radiational themes of that day. Years also follow this general pattern, and this year just so happens to be the Yellow Electric Seed year. This, along with the arrival of the Chinese "Year of the Tiger” and the perennial Hot Girl Summer that will arrive in a few short months, could distort 5G transmissions enough to sprout a Yellow Tiger seeded in the heads of Hot Girls everywhere right around the time of the summer solstice. Or at least that is my presumption for now.
So I would recommend that we keep our aerial explorations low and tone down the anal probes the closer we get to the solstice, just to be on the safe side. Since we have moved on from 5G technology centuries ago and are currently enjoying unlimited nonstop alien reproductive entertainment on our 5435443543543G-enabled systems, we should know that the issues the Greatest Apes are facing with their early versions may only be a bump in the information superhighway. But considering how charmingly heedless this species can be, we simply can’t take that for granted.
While the Greatest Apes can only create a reasonable facsimile, they can now coax brand new limbs out of the bodies of amphibian species.
The godless GAs wonder if other GAs should bring their gods into space with them.
Looks like someone found our former intergalactic resort property