Alien Newsletter #12: The Great Escape
In which our alien proposes an extraordinary Yuletide supply-chain adventure
Network Note: The flow of goods and services which underpins the lives of humans in the developed world is rarely if ever noticed until it begins to fail. Apparently, it has taken as much time for our intrepid alien observer to notice this phenomenon itself. However, it appears that in reporting this missive to its home species, our alien has developed a interesting if utterly ineffectual plan to unclog the arteries of modern commerce, with a little help from an unexpected place.
One of the most commonly evoked status symbols of a Greatest Ape’s culture are the extraordinarily amounts of material s/he/it can maintain upon the shelves in their markets and warehouses. Amongst the more dominant societies, these shelves and spaces are constantly stacked with a dizzying variety of goods: pickled beets, canned fruits, camping gear, ammunition, home remedies, breakfast cereals, Bill O’Reilly potboilers and on and on. The lesser societal organizations have fewer items, and their shelves are far less populated. However, the ongoing war the Greatest Apes have declared against the Puny Pugilist of COVID, the planet’s rapidly changing climate, the GA’s underprepared infrastructure, and intermittent work stoppages and labor shortages have brought the same scarcities to the once-arrogant developed nations. Now underpopulated shelves can be found in many places in the world not used to having them, and these conditions threaten to roil the Greatest Apes’ societies well into the foreseeable future.
This is especially concerning for this year’s annual Festival of Holy Consumption, known in most terrestrial environs as “Christmas.” To refresh the perspectum: Christmas centers around one of two creation myths. One involves the birth of Jesus Christ, the son of the GAs’ initial creator (important to note that in this myth, the GAs are not directly descended from their creator; however, this creator decided to designate one Greatest Ape as The Greatest of All the Greatest Apes, making all the other Apes a little less great by doing so.). The other involves a much older GA, often wearing a red suit and living within a small house in the North Pole with a doting matron and an army of tiny humanoids which work all year on playthings to distribute on this day. Ongoing tensions exist between adherents between these two camps, with the former accusing the latter of de-sacralizing their holiday, and the latter insisting upon the right to define the period of time as they see fit. It is referred to as the War on Christmas, which so far has not turned violent. But this year, it would appear that it is under attack.
Perhaps I have been living amongst the Greatest Apes for too long, but I am beginning to develop what is referred to as sympathy for what are thousands of L.O.L. Dolls, Bratz and Disgusting ‘n’ Gross Zombie Boogers trapped in the warehouses of Shenzhen. Someone must liberate the suffering Malibu Barbies, Peppa Pigs and Pimple Poppers from their cruel purgatory off the Californian coasts. While even the current President of Northern Hemisphere Plate #2 has stepped in to keep the beleaguered port of Los Angeles open without pause, I have learned from several of the Greatest Apes’ wisest and most enduring stories of this time period that it often takes one valiant figure — a reindeer with a glowing nose, an alopecia-afflicted youth without access to SSRIs — to save such helpless creatures from their fates. Indeed, now is the time for heroes, so this is what I propose.
Some consider both the Christ child from which Christmas derives its name and Santa as myths. As for Santa, we well know that this is not the case. The Greatest Apes even saw fit to dramatize the woeful defeat Santa delivered unto the denizens of Asteroid B-612 in the epic visualpic Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Of course, since those battles, as we know, Santa was eventually captured decades ago and thrown into the ice fortresses of Timloc-364 in the Outer Pleiades, where he has been feasting on carefully regurgitated parts of his own body fat ever since. I propose we free him and team him up with similarly-imprisoned so-called “illegal aliens,” who will be his elven armies that will free all the toys, video game consoles and CBD bath bombs in time for the holidays. Surreptitiously vouchsafed by us as extraterrestrials, it would be truly be the Best Christmas Ever.
We will of course need to keep close watch on Mr. Kringle post-release. Certainly, his old workshop, ravaged by climate change as it is, will not suffice for a relocation. Nevertheless, it probably will take an entity with the supernatural powers of a Christ or a Santa Claus to assist the Greatest Apes in maintaining the rituals that keep their collective economies and sanities from collapsing. With a new army of much larger minions, I am certain that Mr. Claus can maintain a certain order amongst the GAs. After all, knowing who is naughty or nice amongst them might just make a difference as they attempt to puzzle through their existential dilemmas amongst themselves.
Dark Matters
One of the GAs most famous simulated astronauts finally gets his chance to experience it in actuality, courtesy of Botnet 9
In the meantime, Botnode 8 continues his ongoing feud anew with Botnode 9.
Tribal grievances still abide, as the lingering aftershocks of human desire persecution leads a NASA astronomer to quit her post.