Alien Newsletter #14: The Metastrophe
In which our alien considers the creation of yet another artificial universe, and warns about the unexpected threats kicking about in it
Network Note: Arriving as it does from a civilization only roughly analogous to our own, our alien apparently seems utterly amazed at how many unique universes are fractally contained within this one relatively miniscule portion of the spacetime continuum. And indeed, even though the alien has yet to respond to our friend request, it still seems to have taken as much interest in Mark Zuckerberg (or as the alien calls him, “Botnode ø”) and his announcement of Facebook’s massive investment in the metaverse as the rest of us earthbound sorts have. However, as you will see in its latest report back to its home species, it appears slightly concerned by what is shaping up to be a rather hasty buildout. For as it turns out, whether it’s the metaverse or the universe, we as a species are never as alone as we may think.
As you may remember from my previous discussion of NFTs, the Greatest Apes are becoming more and more enamored of their invisible worlds with each passing year. Perhaps it has been accelerated by their ongoing pandemic, or maybe it is their barely suppressed antipathy to wearing pants, but a particularly youthful and determined subset of the GAs are utterly committed to jettisoning as much of their physical existences as they possibly can, and are gleefully dragging the rest of the tribes along to this preferred new location, whether they want to come along or not. They call it the Metaverse, and just a few weeks ago, Botnode ø laid out his vision for it in a promotional video that by all reports only he and the people whose livelihoods he vouchsafes seemed to like. Yet for all the critique and snide mirth thrust at it, the GAs seem resigned to what appears to be their new dystopian digital half-life currently being planned out for them. Of course, if only they knew about the Gwarpaskian Membrane that brushes right up against the… but we’ll get to that in just a minute.
It should be noted that much of what will constitute the fully formed Metaverse has existed amongst the GAs for quite some time. There are already user created virtual worlds that encompass three of the 27 known dimensions, and younger GAs already spend much of their passive hours tormenting each other and learning valuable civilization-destroying tactics through their video game consoles. What the Metaverse will do is merge all of the various technologies into a fully immersive visual and auditory landscape where GAs can redesign their bodies, create their own environments, communicate with other GAs, conduct their business and engage with educational modules that can teach them more about the world they are gleefully trying to erase.
And no one seems more gleeful about the prospects than Botnode ø. In his introductory video, Botnode ø’s skin radiates with the synthetic sheen of an inflated sex doll as he moves around his computer-generated new home, conversing with a series of clunky robots, grinning technocrats and worshipful underlings about all of the wonderful opportunities that await future users once he and the 10,000 employees he intends on hiring for this endeavor have finished construction. It should be noted that just a few weeks earlier, a former underling broke ranks to alert some of the GA’s most powerful ruling monkeys of Botnode ø’s civilization-destroying tactics, but as I have already mentioned, younger GAs have been set up to do this for their entire lives. Maybe this underling has not grown up playing those games. Botnode ø in particular seems quite adept at them, and apparently has a lot to gain from this specific one, should he win. For from what I have learned, he’ll not only be able to capture data on what people do in his version of the metaverse, but how they act, respond, galvanic skin responses — a virtual panopticon unparalleled in its invasive comprehensiveness. Small wonder he appears so gleeful.
The recent tragedy that happened in the non-virtual Astroworld does seem to illustrate the omnipresent dangers of cramming too many physical GA bodies into one space, and in an age dominated by fear, the GAs seem quite susceptible to messages by powerful leaders that subtly encourage them to resent and fear the natural world. However, as I’m sure you are aware, the very space that the GAs smugly believe to be their very own is far more crowded than they think. About 400,000 solar rotations ago, most of us can still remember how such a Metaverse was created as a prison for the Gwarpaskian species. A rather troublesome entity consisting of a mere pair of legs, all these creatures could do was kick anything in their path. Stories abound of how these pests delighted in kicking members of our species into the beginnings, middles and ends of the following weeks, making an utter mess of our business plans. Thankfully, we sent those Gwarpaskians packing into a membrane where they are presumably still alive and kicking.
As the GAs build out their metaverse even further out into the digital space, it’s clear that sooner or later, their hardware will eventually bridge to the Gwarpaskian Membrane. And as luck would have it, most metaverse avatars are designed without lower torsos. Should the Gwarpaskians find these avatars, they will certainly fasten themselves to these hapless avatars and by doing so will most likely take control of the GAs’ physical bodies, where they will proceed with kicking each other when they’re down, kicking against the pricks, kicking each other sick and kicking in all the other ways that those miserable Gwarpaskians tend to get their kicks. And while only avatars in the Microsoft portion of the metaverse are legless, since avatars can go from one area of the metaverse to the other, the Gwarpaskians will quickly get a leg up on the Facebook space. Its algorithms, already prone to amplifying chaos, will certainly give the Gwarpaskians strong footing, and before you know it, they will be off to the races. It will be quite a mess for the GAs to clean up after, and not the first one Botnode ø has foisted upon them, apparently. But if it’s any consolation, it is also highly likely that if Botnode ø lives long enough to see it happen, the Gwarpaskians will be certain to, as the GAs crudely say, kick the crap out of him while they are at it. That is a resolution for the metaverse I’m sure most if not all GAs will get a kick out of.
Dark Matters
Virgin Galactic sells more tickets for space tourism. Recommendation: create new space tourist traps.
Apparently, the denizens of Maine have finally taken notice of our boycott.
Finally, more proof positive that the GAs do not see things for what they are, but what they themselves are